I've been thinking a lot lately about Christmas...
...I thought about what it was like to grow up in a home without the celebrations virtually everyone else was partaking in, I remember my first Christmas as a Christian, my first Christmas as a step-mom, and then years later as a mom.
It is pretty safe to say that my memory bank is virtually full...of course, I'm still keeping some room for the new memories to come and stay.
Then I started to think deeper...I wondered what other people were thinking...
...I wondered about the family who lost their son two years ago to suicide...the family that will be going through their second Christmas without their child...
...I wondered about another family who lost their son this past summer...their first Christmas without their child...
...and then, the family with five children (aged 2-9) who tragically lost their mom in a car accident a few weeks ago...
...or the family with a young toddler whose mom died just a few days ago due to carbon monoxide poisoning...father and son, who I believe may still be hospitalized...
...and then about the family whose father died this morning...
I thought and thought about these and all of the other tragedies that surround our lives daily...some becoming more and more acceptable to society.
I had to ask myself about the pain some people must be faced with this Christmas. I have never felt that kind of pain. I pray I never will. I can't imagine feeling the pain of losing a child, due to illness, accident, or any other reason.
This made me think of another father...a father who sent a gift for you and me. I accepted that gift more than 10 years ago, but each year is like my first Christmas...simply because I have the passion to remember.
This leads me to a question or two for you...
When you open up those packaged perfectly gifts what will you and your family be thinking of? Where is your passion?
Merry CHRISTmas. I pray you have many blessings and give abundantly back.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Weight Loss Update
I've lost 11 pounds!!!!!!!!!!
Go ahead, ask me "How are you doing it?"
I started this new thing called going to the gym every once in a while and watching what I eat. Can you believe this actually works?
That's it! I'm writing a diet book!
Go ahead, ask me "How are you doing it?"
I started this new thing called going to the gym every once in a while and watching what I eat. Can you believe this actually works?
That's it! I'm writing a diet book!
Poop
What is it with poop that seems to fill my dogs palette? I never really understood the fascination with eating something that, quite frankly, makes me throw up when I look at it, never mind smell it. Yet, my two dogs, whom I do love enormously (especially my favorite) can't seem to get enough of this crap.
Truly I shouldn't complain because after all there is less for Doug, yeah like I'm going to do it!, to clean up...but all in all it still is pretty gross.
Speaking of me NOT picking it up...I have to tell you...
Doug went out to Thailand for a few weeks, and I can not, and I mean I CAN NOT, pick this stuff up. Any ways, a close friend (yes, she is still a close friend) comes over to visit, with her two kids none-the-less, and asks me if I want her to pick it up. Of course, I immediately, right after sending praises upward, said "NO!" "I can't have you come over my house to visit and then pick up after my dogs!" I meant this half-heatedly for a couple of reasons.
1. My dogs poop the size of her one dog and I have two of them...
2. She is a dear sister and I couldn't really ask her (notice above...she volunteered)
Within a minute or two, my dear friend is actually picking up the poop! As if that wasn't enough, she empties the trash bag and brings it to the front of the house where the other trash was waiting to be picked up for the next morning.
Honestly, friend is there a kidney or something you need that I can give you?!
Oops, where was I? Oh yeah, getting back to my boys...
I can't believe that first thing in the morning they head out, do their business and then start eating it. What's the deal? First thing in the morning I head in, do my business and then start brushing my teeth so I don't have breath like my two dogs.
Doug and I can be pounding on the window and these two dogs will actually look towards the house and give us a look like, ah, excuse me you are interrupting my dinner. You would think they were eating at a five star restaurant.
Man, can you imagine if they were on to something?! Maybe we should set up a few tables out there and see if this helps us get out of debt.
Some how I doubt it, but I'm not winning the lottery any time soon, so maybe I'll give it a chance.
Well, on second thought I better not. I recently invited my Pastor and his family over to dinner...Lord help me if they read this blog!
Signed,
PAPEP
or
Parents Against Poop Eating Pets
P.S. We've tried everything to get them to stop...forbid, hot sauce, etc., etc., etc.!
Truly I shouldn't complain because after all there is less for Doug, yeah like I'm going to do it!, to clean up...but all in all it still is pretty gross.
Speaking of me NOT picking it up...I have to tell you...
Doug went out to Thailand for a few weeks, and I can not, and I mean I CAN NOT, pick this stuff up. Any ways, a close friend (yes, she is still a close friend) comes over to visit, with her two kids none-the-less, and asks me if I want her to pick it up. Of course, I immediately, right after sending praises upward, said "NO!" "I can't have you come over my house to visit and then pick up after my dogs!" I meant this half-heatedly for a couple of reasons.
1. My dogs poop the size of her one dog and I have two of them...
2. She is a dear sister and I couldn't really ask her (notice above...she volunteered)
Within a minute or two, my dear friend is actually picking up the poop! As if that wasn't enough, she empties the trash bag and brings it to the front of the house where the other trash was waiting to be picked up for the next morning.
Honestly, friend is there a kidney or something you need that I can give you?!
Oops, where was I? Oh yeah, getting back to my boys...
I can't believe that first thing in the morning they head out, do their business and then start eating it. What's the deal? First thing in the morning I head in, do my business and then start brushing my teeth so I don't have breath like my two dogs.
Doug and I can be pounding on the window and these two dogs will actually look towards the house and give us a look like, ah, excuse me you are interrupting my dinner. You would think they were eating at a five star restaurant.
Man, can you imagine if they were on to something?! Maybe we should set up a few tables out there and see if this helps us get out of debt.
Some how I doubt it, but I'm not winning the lottery any time soon, so maybe I'll give it a chance.
Well, on second thought I better not. I recently invited my Pastor and his family over to dinner...Lord help me if they read this blog!
Signed,
PAPEP
or
Parents Against Poop Eating Pets
P.S. We've tried everything to get them to stop...forbid, hot sauce, etc., etc., etc.!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sinus Surgery
Well, it shouldn't be a surprise to most of you that I am recovering from sinus surgery. Wow! What a few weeks it has been. Today marks exactly two weeks from my surgery date...here is what happened:
Day 1 up at 4:30 to shower and dress...hey I'm not going into surgery smelling bad! Didn't your mom ever give you that clean pantie lecture?
6:00 arrive at Southview Hospital...wait in line...forever, ok 15 minutes...seemed like forever, might have been my nerves.
6:15 pee in cup...they want to be sure I'm not pregnant...breath Doug! Just breath!!! Talk about stressed nerves.
6:20 go to opposite side of room and wait to check in, again.
6:30 Get checked in and head to the back...nerves really shaking now...but I do get to leave the panties on...thanks mom.
6:45-7:20 see a few really nice nurses, one really good looking anesthesiologist and head, ok wheel, into the operating room.
10:30ish Wake up wishing they had told me I was going to sleep now.
11:00 head home
Next two days...really fuzzy. Let's just say in and out of sleep and that's about it.
Oh well, here is what I can remember. After the surgery I had to go get my packing out. That wasn't very fun. We had to drive a little way to get the office and it was the day right after my surgery so I wasn't feeling all that great anyways. Regardless, I went in, got the packing out, almost passed out, went home, slept some more.
Two days later, off to another office to get the stints out. I knew that I had a big nose, but man the size of those stints were the equivalent of an MP4 player! Needless to say, I kept my eyes closed the whole time. Doug really, really wished he had done the same. Regardless, I went in, got the stints out, Doug almost passed out, went home, slept some more.
That gets me to my first weekend. Uneventful, yes! I was able to finally go downstairs and live amongst the loves of my life. The younger of which had been giving me a huge berth, and not because of my size, which is the usual reason, I just think the little one was a little scared. Course, the dog was to. Matter of fact, he still isn't the same...fortunately the little one is back to normal.
Well, by now I have gone back for my post op appointment, had my nose cleaned out...still can't believe the size of what is coming out, neither can my family. I know this because every time I blow my nose and something huge comes out I have to show them. You know, get a score. "Ohhh, that's a 9! Oh wait that wasn't as big, so it's a 7.5, or the best is yet to come...the big 10!
Regardless of what comes out, the more important thing is what is going in...for the first time in a long time, I can actually breath through my nose and get air to my lungs.
I can't thank Dr. Katz and his staff enough for all that they have done for me. I feel like I owe them an apology for something but since this is normal for me and most everyone I run across, I'll just say sorry, and hope that fixes it...if not, let me know!
So, how are your sinuses?
Day 1 up at 4:30 to shower and dress...hey I'm not going into surgery smelling bad! Didn't your mom ever give you that clean pantie lecture?
6:00 arrive at Southview Hospital...wait in line...forever, ok 15 minutes...seemed like forever, might have been my nerves.
6:15 pee in cup...they want to be sure I'm not pregnant...breath Doug! Just breath!!! Talk about stressed nerves.
6:20 go to opposite side of room and wait to check in, again.
6:30 Get checked in and head to the back...nerves really shaking now...but I do get to leave the panties on...thanks mom.
6:45-7:20 see a few really nice nurses, one really good looking anesthesiologist and head, ok wheel, into the operating room.
10:30ish Wake up wishing they had told me I was going to sleep now.
11:00 head home
Next two days...really fuzzy. Let's just say in and out of sleep and that's about it.
9/21/08 Dang it, it has been so long since I started this blog, that I totally forgot all of the information I was going to share!
Oh well, here is what I can remember. After the surgery I had to go get my packing out. That wasn't very fun. We had to drive a little way to get the office and it was the day right after my surgery so I wasn't feeling all that great anyways. Regardless, I went in, got the packing out, almost passed out, went home, slept some more.
Two days later, off to another office to get the stints out. I knew that I had a big nose, but man the size of those stints were the equivalent of an MP4 player! Needless to say, I kept my eyes closed the whole time. Doug really, really wished he had done the same. Regardless, I went in, got the stints out, Doug almost passed out, went home, slept some more.
That gets me to my first weekend. Uneventful, yes! I was able to finally go downstairs and live amongst the loves of my life. The younger of which had been giving me a huge berth, and not because of my size, which is the usual reason, I just think the little one was a little scared. Course, the dog was to. Matter of fact, he still isn't the same...fortunately the little one is back to normal.
Well, by now I have gone back for my post op appointment, had my nose cleaned out...still can't believe the size of what is coming out, neither can my family. I know this because every time I blow my nose and something huge comes out I have to show them. You know, get a score. "Ohhh, that's a 9! Oh wait that wasn't as big, so it's a 7.5, or the best is yet to come...the big 10!
Regardless of what comes out, the more important thing is what is going in...for the first time in a long time, I can actually breath through my nose and get air to my lungs.
I can't thank Dr. Katz and his staff enough for all that they have done for me. I feel like I owe them an apology for something but since this is normal for me and most everyone I run across, I'll just say sorry, and hope that fixes it...if not, let me know!
So, how are your sinuses?
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Kids
You know I was just about to start a blog in China, in fact I had my first paragraph all ready done when my daughter came up to me and asked if she could watch her "favorite" movie.
Being a huge Roger Rabbit fan, seriously I have a hat!, I said sure...knowing full well I'd really like to go to bed now. Ok, so I start to explain to her that this movie isn't actually her favorite but one of her favorites. I'm not entirely sure if she rolled her eyes, but I think she may have actually sighed the words "what ever"...did I mention she is under the age of 10?
Going on about the love of my life she opens her hand up, the one not carrying the movie, and says she has a present for me. The present? I heart that had already broken off of one of her necklaces and a rock.
Happy to accept I gladly took the treasured items, biting at the tongue to ask if these to were her "favorites". Before I could actually say anything this little voice says "I just wanted to give you this one because you are a good mom (the rock) and the other one is because you are a good mom of the heart". Aww, are you crying because I was just about there. Until...
the follow through...I really don't like these anymore, you can have them. Ah out of the mouths of babes. She's still my favorite.
Being a huge Roger Rabbit fan, seriously I have a hat!, I said sure...knowing full well I'd really like to go to bed now. Ok, so I start to explain to her that this movie isn't actually her favorite but one of her favorites. I'm not entirely sure if she rolled her eyes, but I think she may have actually sighed the words "what ever"...did I mention she is under the age of 10?
Going on about the love of my life she opens her hand up, the one not carrying the movie, and says she has a present for me. The present? I heart that had already broken off of one of her necklaces and a rock.
Happy to accept I gladly took the treasured items, biting at the tongue to ask if these to were her "favorites". Before I could actually say anything this little voice says "I just wanted to give you this one because you are a good mom (the rock) and the other one is because you are a good mom of the heart". Aww, are you crying because I was just about there. Until...
the follow through...I really don't like these anymore, you can have them. Ah out of the mouths of babes. She's still my favorite.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Home Work
You know starting a home business is never very easy, especially when you actually started it two years ago this month and are still trying to get your feet off the ground.
I can't complain about what I sell because I believe Usborne is the GREATEST, and leading, children's educational publisher. I love the books and know that most moms do as well.
I guess my issue is, besides setting goals, is that I really got in the business to help a friend and I've never really looked into helping myself. Let me explain what had happened.
A friend from my Church sent an email out asking if anyone wanted to host a show. She had just had her third child, trust me you would be envious if you've ever seen her kids, they are so cute! Any ways, she was trying to get back into her business and was looking for a few good hostesses.
The bleeding heart that I am in addition to my lack of ability to say the word "no" I readily jumped in and offered to host. My friend did a whole lot of the work and before I knew it my night was upon us.
I have to admit everyone had a great time, why wouldn't they, I made my world famous won tons after all. They also got a lot of great books!
Now as to my night, I pretty much spent the night filling cups and plates...and kept a very close eye on my dining room carpet. I will definitely have to explain that one later. So, imagine my surprise when after every one had left my friend asked me for my wish list.
Quickly, I thought...quickly come with something logical that sounds like you know exactly what she is talking about...ahh Divine intervention. I remembered seeing a color palette or something like that, and told her that was all I wanted.
Now, of course I had a wish list, who wouldn't...I was just stupid enough to believe, yes really, that I had to pay for these books...which is really why I didn't have more than one item on my list. I was after all trying to stick to a budget.
It's not that the books were expensive, actually most of the books in the catalog are under $10.00...now, who can't afford that!? I did get a bunch of free and discounted books and thought hey, my job is done.
I was really surprised when my friend asked me if I ever thought about recruiting to Usborne. Ah, honestly no. Can you imagine me getting up in front of a room and talking to people about myself...well, absolutely not!
The next day, I signed!
I had a really GREAT incentive period and I love the fact that Usborne has no minimum monthly sale requirements to meet. All they asked for was for me to sell $80 in books during my first three months. Hey, I did a whole bunch more than that at my first show!
So now, here I am two years later, trying to stay at it all the while with a smile on my face...ahhh.
Now, about those goals....hmmmmmmm oh oh.
I can't complain about what I sell because I believe Usborne is the GREATEST, and leading, children's educational publisher. I love the books and know that most moms do as well.
I guess my issue is, besides setting goals, is that I really got in the business to help a friend and I've never really looked into helping myself. Let me explain what had happened.
A friend from my Church sent an email out asking if anyone wanted to host a show. She had just had her third child, trust me you would be envious if you've ever seen her kids, they are so cute! Any ways, she was trying to get back into her business and was looking for a few good hostesses.
The bleeding heart that I am in addition to my lack of ability to say the word "no" I readily jumped in and offered to host. My friend did a whole lot of the work and before I knew it my night was upon us.
I have to admit everyone had a great time, why wouldn't they, I made my world famous won tons after all. They also got a lot of great books!
Now as to my night, I pretty much spent the night filling cups and plates...and kept a very close eye on my dining room carpet. I will definitely have to explain that one later. So, imagine my surprise when after every one had left my friend asked me for my wish list.
Quickly, I thought...quickly come with something logical that sounds like you know exactly what she is talking about...ahh Divine intervention. I remembered seeing a color palette or something like that, and told her that was all I wanted.
Now, of course I had a wish list, who wouldn't...I was just stupid enough to believe, yes really, that I had to pay for these books...which is really why I didn't have more than one item on my list. I was after all trying to stick to a budget.
It's not that the books were expensive, actually most of the books in the catalog are under $10.00...now, who can't afford that!? I did get a bunch of free and discounted books and thought hey, my job is done.
I was really surprised when my friend asked me if I ever thought about recruiting to Usborne. Ah, honestly no. Can you imagine me getting up in front of a room and talking to people about myself...well, absolutely not!
The next day, I signed!
I had a really GREAT incentive period and I love the fact that Usborne has no minimum monthly sale requirements to meet. All they asked for was for me to sell $80 in books during my first three months. Hey, I did a whole bunch more than that at my first show!
So now, here I am two years later, trying to stay at it all the while with a smile on my face...ahhh.
Now, about those goals....hmmmmmmm oh oh.
I'm never this stuiped...am I?
OK, I go ahead and start my first blog...whining about food and money...you read those right?
So, what do I do. I head out to Wal-mart and spend a reasonable amount on groceries, most of which is going to end up for our camping trip (new blog to come) and immediately, and I mean from the parking lot of Wal-mart head out to McDonalds because I'm hungry. What the heck (not the word I'd like to use)!
So I go ahead and order a chicken sandwich, hey I'm on a diet remember. I specifically say no pickles, which means make the sandwich any way you like and before you hand her the bag, pull the pickles off quickly. As if I'm not going to smell the juice?! Or heaven forbid actually taste pickle taste?! Ah, ew!
OK, I take a bite, totally gross, but I'm thinking at least I'm sticking to my diet...well OK, until I pass Wendy's on my way home. Now come on...is it really my fault they put a Wendy's up so close to my house? I think not...I'm it's not as if I called Dave and said "Hey Dave, if your looking to build come on over to Troy and put a big one up right near my home. Let's be serious, shall we...I already did that with Waffle House.
Well, I was able to hang in there and NOT go through the drive through...no I didn't walk in either, I'm on a strict exercise regime here folks. Aren't you proud of me?!
I must admit that when it comes to chicken sandwiches I'll stick with the best...Chick Fil A. McDonalds, my friend, your burgers will just have to do :-)
Fortunately this incident was quickly fixed by the Little Debbie Snack Cakes I had purchased earlier at Wal-Mart.
I told you I had a spending problem right?
So, what do I do. I head out to Wal-mart and spend a reasonable amount on groceries, most of which is going to end up for our camping trip (new blog to come) and immediately, and I mean from the parking lot of Wal-mart head out to McDonalds because I'm hungry. What the heck (not the word I'd like to use)!
So I go ahead and order a chicken sandwich, hey I'm on a diet remember. I specifically say no pickles, which means make the sandwich any way you like and before you hand her the bag, pull the pickles off quickly. As if I'm not going to smell the juice?! Or heaven forbid actually taste pickle taste?! Ah, ew!
OK, I take a bite, totally gross, but I'm thinking at least I'm sticking to my diet...well OK, until I pass Wendy's on my way home. Now come on...is it really my fault they put a Wendy's up so close to my house? I think not...I'm it's not as if I called Dave and said "Hey Dave, if your looking to build come on over to Troy and put a big one up right near my home. Let's be serious, shall we...I already did that with Waffle House.
Well, I was able to hang in there and NOT go through the drive through...no I didn't walk in either, I'm on a strict exercise regime here folks. Aren't you proud of me?!
I must admit that when it comes to chicken sandwiches I'll stick with the best...Chick Fil A. McDonalds, my friend, your burgers will just have to do :-)
Fortunately this incident was quickly fixed by the Little Debbie Snack Cakes I had purchased earlier at Wal-Mart.
I told you I had a spending problem right?
Spending Money
I have come to the realization, many, many, many moons ago, that I can't be trusted with my own, and by my own, I mean my husband's money.
I am very honest when it comes to other people's money and in fact struggle if I had to shop for anyone using their funds.
Yet, every time I head out to the grocery store, pass a McDonald's or a Webkinz sign, I head and shop to I drop. I want to believe that this is largely due to my living overseas in Hong Kong with a strong culture of female shoppers.
This theory of mine would hold a whole lot more weight if I hadn't started my career 10 years before actually moving, or know that I would be moving, to Hong Kong.
Regardless of where we are, I am always thinking about buying stuff for people, this probably stems from have a serious passion for pleasing others. If I could get my mind straight on pleasing my husband, hey that's not what I was thinking, get your mind out of the gutter, than perhaps I would less likely to spend and more likely to save.
Although, when little blue eyes look up to me and say "mommy can I have ________?" my emotions run to pot and I "charge it!"
Sorry babe, I'll try to do better.
If anyone has advice on staying out of debt, let me know. I know how to get out of debt as I've been there before. I really just need to never get there again!
I am very honest when it comes to other people's money and in fact struggle if I had to shop for anyone using their funds.
Yet, every time I head out to the grocery store, pass a McDonald's or a Webkinz sign, I head and shop to I drop. I want to believe that this is largely due to my living overseas in Hong Kong with a strong culture of female shoppers.
This theory of mine would hold a whole lot more weight if I hadn't started my career 10 years before actually moving, or know that I would be moving, to Hong Kong.
Regardless of where we are, I am always thinking about buying stuff for people, this probably stems from have a serious passion for pleasing others. If I could get my mind straight on pleasing my husband, hey that's not what I was thinking, get your mind out of the gutter, than perhaps I would less likely to spend and more likely to save.
Although, when little blue eyes look up to me and say "mommy can I have ________?" my emotions run to pot and I "charge it!"
Sorry babe, I'll try to do better.
If anyone has advice on staying out of debt, let me know. I know how to get out of debt as I've been there before. I really just need to never get there again!
Weight Loss
OK, show of hands...how many moms out there are trying to lose weight? Whoa, hang on! I can't count that fast, and it is really hard looking into this monitor. Seriously the light really hurts my eyes.
Now, that I've backed up from the screen, I'm trying to join the throws of women out there trying to get healthy.
I've been up to a good start. I lost 8 inches from my big old bod (I just hate calling myself a full figure gal) in 24 days...now this achievement would be great if I had been to the gym more than once since I got measured! I promise myself to go back...soon...really soon...honest! My gym is great...go visit Ladies Premier Fitness if you live in my neck of the woods. Don't live in my neck of the woods, get off your a, umm bum and find a gym closer to you!
I think the thing is that I've gotten kinda lazy this past week. My hubby had been out of town and life really isn't the same without him around. Honestly the man keeps me sane...go figure on why he would want that job, but for what ever the reason, he signed up and I ain't letting him go!
Also, my meals have been drastically cut. You know two plates instead of three and I am definitely not snacking like I used to...OK, mostly because I want to try to quit spending so much dang money all of the time, but that is for another popular blog.
I really do enjoy cooking. How hard can boiling a bag be? OK so I tried it in the microwave and that really didn't go as planned! In all seriousness, I do enjoy cooking from D & L, and I love baking desserts, I just have gotten into a funk that I need to get out of.
It also doesn't help that the more my husband and daughter eat the taller they get , I'm 5'1", I never stood a chance, and when I eat the only way I get taller is if I'm laying down a measuring tape that goes to a 42" bust! Man, did I say that out loud?
Well, it is way past lunch time I'm going to keep you posted on my weight gain, I mean LOSS!!
Check back soon.
Now, that I've backed up from the screen, I'm trying to join the throws of women out there trying to get healthy.
I've been up to a good start. I lost 8 inches from my big old bod (I just hate calling myself a full figure gal) in 24 days...now this achievement would be great if I had been to the gym more than once since I got measured! I promise myself to go back...soon...really soon...honest! My gym is great...go visit Ladies Premier Fitness if you live in my neck of the woods. Don't live in my neck of the woods, get off your a, umm bum and find a gym closer to you!
I think the thing is that I've gotten kinda lazy this past week. My hubby had been out of town and life really isn't the same without him around. Honestly the man keeps me sane...go figure on why he would want that job, but for what ever the reason, he signed up and I ain't letting him go!
Also, my meals have been drastically cut. You know two plates instead of three and I am definitely not snacking like I used to...OK, mostly because I want to try to quit spending so much dang money all of the time, but that is for another popular blog.
I really do enjoy cooking. How hard can boiling a bag be? OK so I tried it in the microwave and that really didn't go as planned! In all seriousness, I do enjoy cooking from D & L, and I love baking desserts, I just have gotten into a funk that I need to get out of.
It also doesn't help that the more my husband and daughter eat the taller they get , I'm 5'1", I never stood a chance, and when I eat the only way I get taller is if I'm laying down a measuring tape that goes to a 42" bust! Man, did I say that out loud?
Well, it is way past lunch time I'm going to keep you posted on my weight gain, I mean LOSS!!
Check back soon.
Self explainations on my being adopted...
I just don't get it. Why is it some people make this great big deal about adoption? For what ever the reason you were "given up", for a lack of better term, you were. Most likely it was for the best, in some small cases it isn't. Again, what ever the reason the sacrifice was made, and you were given to people that could give you a life you otherwise wouldn't have had, this was to be.
I grew up always knowing I was adopted and the reason behind the adoption. I don't judge my biological family for making this choice. Instead I choose to see the sacrifice they made in losing me. They lost memories, years of love to be given, and most of all, the opportunity to receive the love a child had for them.
On the lighter side, I do have to say that I did always fantasied that my dad was in the Mafia and had to give me up...no luck there unfortunately. Or, that my adoption was something as glamorous as my mom being a Hollywood star who had a dreadful, yet equally passionate, love affair with Liam Neeson and had to give me up to avoid the gossip. As if, I have EVER been able to escape gossip in my life!
Nope, no glamour, no Mafia, no grandiose rumors of anything other than what was the truth. Just two young kids with too many kids, too much stress and way to much pressure...ah birth control for all you young ins out there wanting to have children before you stop being a child yourself. They had four kids by the age of 21 and recognized that they were struggling. Who wouldn't have wanted to give their kids a chance at a more stable life?
To the best of my knowledge, my bio dad hasn't shown much interest, well that is if 0% counts as a number, in having anything to do with me. I'm not sorry for this as he has moved on in his life and I do sincerely wish him the best. Rumor has it, he has other children now, and I sincerely hope that all is well with them.
My mom on the other hand...hmm. Hard to explain. Let me talk out loud for a bit. Do you think that babies bond to their mothers in the womb? Do you think that the connection could last 30+ (still not telling) years? Do you think that lifetimes of experiences and miles in between could lesson the bond? I don't think so. I'll tell you why.
For some unjustifiable reason, I love this women. I want her in my daily life. I need her to be proud of me. I need her to know the women I've become with my good and not-so-good habits. I want her to ask me about my life and in return let me know about hers. I want my husband to be her son-in-law, unlike Ursella from my first marriage...so not going there...and I want her to be a grandma to our daughter. I need her to tell me she loves me unconditionally, with out adding the "but" like so many others have done and still do.
I want to know her ins and outs, what makes her tick, what has she being doing all of these years? Has she been happy? Is she happy now? I'd like to know what she does with her time, at work and for leisure. I would like to learn about her beliefs and her habits and what she dreams about at night when she sleeps.
I do realize that I have a lot of "I" in this post, but come on...I wrote it! Maybe for today it is about me. Although funny thing about this story, there is another side. The other side is hers, the mom that was left behind.
I did get to meet her you know...twice in fact.
I was 16 at our initial introduction. I do remember feeling upset, mildly put, with her when I walked into the office to meet her for the first time in 13 years. She was sitting behind a desk and I remember looking into her face. It was the very second I saw her eyes look into mine, the connection was there, and ANY negative emotion I had had walking into the room vanished.
After that meeting we headed out to lunch and I was able to meet my two sisters. The ever-so-slightly older sister I knew I had. To say that she was beautiful would be a huge understatement. I also had the pleasure of meeting a new sister who was a little bit younger. I wish I could remember more about her, I do know that she was very cute and she seemed to be a little trouble maker, but in a good roll your eyes kind of way, not slap her upside the head kind of way. We had a good lunch. Brief but good. This led into a good moving in with them. Brief but good. Which led into a not so good departure. A departure I have always regretted.
After that meeting, years passed. As an adult I searched for them online. I imagined where their lives went, what they looked like and what they were doing. I had no luck in finding them. I have to admit I was probably relieved that I didn't find them because I don't think I could have handled the rejection I was so certain would happen. Little did I know that they, well one in particular, was looking for me.
Last February I received a call from a "family" member, no not THAT "family" we already covered that remember...looking for me. Scared and a little hesitant that this was a joke I took the call.
I remember where my husband was standing in the kitchen at the time. This is a huge issue for me because I honestly can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning...or wait was it lunch I ate?
Anyways, in a what could only be described as a "caa" also know as "Boston" accent, a young lady on the other end of the phone explained to me who she was and why she was calling. I was floored. I had been praying for this for years and here was the opportunity smack in the middle of my Buckeye kitchen.
We talked for just a short while as I was on my way to Church. Yes, people do still go to Church on Wednesday nights...don't you?!, Yet, before we hung up we promised each other that we would talk again soon.
We talked again a few days later. This call lasting much longer than the other. I seem to remember burning out my cell phone battery before the call was over. I have the scars from the battery burn on my fingers but I know a few of you would dispute where they came from. You all probably think I just go on and on and on...getting back to the calls, from then on we talked every day or so. Simply sharing little bits of information on one another.
We've had some ups and downs along the way these past few months. Challenges from others to keep us apart, but nothing substantial enough for me to want to end these new relationships. If anything, it has made me want to work harder in getting to know them and truly becoming a family once again.
You know the funny thing is, I want to be just like them. No, not lifestyle or anything like that, not that there is anything wrong with their lifestyle. I just would like them to look at me and say "oh, that is so me", or "I do the exact same thing!". Have a personality you can relate to. All of you that know me, truly know me, can just imagine what that would be like!
Something funny about life is that it usually comes with skeletons and dark spooky ghosts in our closets. The question becomes do we judge others for their skeletons, or do we take another look into our closet and see our menacing ghosts and be reminded that no one is perfect. We've all made mistakes, we've all made sacrifices, some for our children, some for ourselves but we did and do what we do for the love of others.
I have no regrets in my adoption and I'll say it again, I've moved forward. Simple, easy, done...all of those wishing to hang on to the past need to find another family tree branch in which to hang on to...my tree is well rooted.
By the way...I love you Ma (ha, I said it last!)
I grew up always knowing I was adopted and the reason behind the adoption. I don't judge my biological family for making this choice. Instead I choose to see the sacrifice they made in losing me. They lost memories, years of love to be given, and most of all, the opportunity to receive the love a child had for them.
On the lighter side, I do have to say that I did always fantasied that my dad was in the Mafia and had to give me up...no luck there unfortunately. Or, that my adoption was something as glamorous as my mom being a Hollywood star who had a dreadful, yet equally passionate, love affair with Liam Neeson and had to give me up to avoid the gossip. As if, I have EVER been able to escape gossip in my life!
Nope, no glamour, no Mafia, no grandiose rumors of anything other than what was the truth. Just two young kids with too many kids, too much stress and way to much pressure...ah birth control for all you young ins out there wanting to have children before you stop being a child yourself. They had four kids by the age of 21 and recognized that they were struggling. Who wouldn't have wanted to give their kids a chance at a more stable life?
To the best of my knowledge, my bio dad hasn't shown much interest, well that is if 0% counts as a number, in having anything to do with me. I'm not sorry for this as he has moved on in his life and I do sincerely wish him the best. Rumor has it, he has other children now, and I sincerely hope that all is well with them.
My mom on the other hand...hmm. Hard to explain. Let me talk out loud for a bit. Do you think that babies bond to their mothers in the womb? Do you think that the connection could last 30+ (still not telling) years? Do you think that lifetimes of experiences and miles in between could lesson the bond? I don't think so. I'll tell you why.
For some unjustifiable reason, I love this women. I want her in my daily life. I need her to be proud of me. I need her to know the women I've become with my good and not-so-good habits. I want her to ask me about my life and in return let me know about hers. I want my husband to be her son-in-law, unlike Ursella from my first marriage...so not going there...and I want her to be a grandma to our daughter. I need her to tell me she loves me unconditionally, with out adding the "but" like so many others have done and still do.
I want to know her ins and outs, what makes her tick, what has she being doing all of these years? Has she been happy? Is she happy now? I'd like to know what she does with her time, at work and for leisure. I would like to learn about her beliefs and her habits and what she dreams about at night when she sleeps.
I do realize that I have a lot of "I" in this post, but come on...I wrote it! Maybe for today it is about me. Although funny thing about this story, there is another side. The other side is hers, the mom that was left behind.
I did get to meet her you know...twice in fact.
I was 16 at our initial introduction. I do remember feeling upset, mildly put, with her when I walked into the office to meet her for the first time in 13 years. She was sitting behind a desk and I remember looking into her face. It was the very second I saw her eyes look into mine, the connection was there, and ANY negative emotion I had had walking into the room vanished.
After that meeting we headed out to lunch and I was able to meet my two sisters. The ever-so-slightly older sister I knew I had. To say that she was beautiful would be a huge understatement. I also had the pleasure of meeting a new sister who was a little bit younger. I wish I could remember more about her, I do know that she was very cute and she seemed to be a little trouble maker, but in a good roll your eyes kind of way, not slap her upside the head kind of way. We had a good lunch. Brief but good. This led into a good moving in with them. Brief but good. Which led into a not so good departure. A departure I have always regretted.
After that meeting, years passed. As an adult I searched for them online. I imagined where their lives went, what they looked like and what they were doing. I had no luck in finding them. I have to admit I was probably relieved that I didn't find them because I don't think I could have handled the rejection I was so certain would happen. Little did I know that they, well one in particular, was looking for me.
Last February I received a call from a "family" member, no not THAT "family" we already covered that remember...looking for me. Scared and a little hesitant that this was a joke I took the call.
I remember where my husband was standing in the kitchen at the time. This is a huge issue for me because I honestly can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning...or wait was it lunch I ate?
Anyways, in a what could only be described as a "caa" also know as "Boston" accent, a young lady on the other end of the phone explained to me who she was and why she was calling. I was floored. I had been praying for this for years and here was the opportunity smack in the middle of my Buckeye kitchen.
We talked for just a short while as I was on my way to Church. Yes, people do still go to Church on Wednesday nights...don't you?!, Yet, before we hung up we promised each other that we would talk again soon.
We talked again a few days later. This call lasting much longer than the other. I seem to remember burning out my cell phone battery before the call was over. I have the scars from the battery burn on my fingers but I know a few of you would dispute where they came from. You all probably think I just go on and on and on...getting back to the calls, from then on we talked every day or so. Simply sharing little bits of information on one another.
We've had some ups and downs along the way these past few months. Challenges from others to keep us apart, but nothing substantial enough for me to want to end these new relationships. If anything, it has made me want to work harder in getting to know them and truly becoming a family once again.
You know the funny thing is, I want to be just like them. No, not lifestyle or anything like that, not that there is anything wrong with their lifestyle. I just would like them to look at me and say "oh, that is so me", or "I do the exact same thing!". Have a personality you can relate to. All of you that know me, truly know me, can just imagine what that would be like!
Something funny about life is that it usually comes with skeletons and dark spooky ghosts in our closets. The question becomes do we judge others for their skeletons, or do we take another look into our closet and see our menacing ghosts and be reminded that no one is perfect. We've all made mistakes, we've all made sacrifices, some for our children, some for ourselves but we did and do what we do for the love of others.
I have no regrets in my adoption and I'll say it again, I've moved forward. Simple, easy, done...all of those wishing to hang on to the past need to find another family tree branch in which to hang on to...my tree is well rooted.
By the way...I love you Ma (ha, I said it last!)
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