Self explainations on my being adopted...

I just don't get it. Why is it some people make this great big deal about adoption? For what ever the reason you were "given up", for a lack of better term, you were. Most likely it was for the best, in some small cases it isn't. Again, what ever the reason the sacrifice was made, and you were given to people that could give you a life you otherwise wouldn't have had, this was to be.

I grew up always knowing I was adopted and the reason behind the adoption. I don't judge my biological family for making this choice. Instead I choose to see the sacrifice they made in losing me. They lost memories, years of love to be given, and most of all, the opportunity to receive the love a child had for them.

On the lighter side, I do have to say that I did always fantasied that my dad was in the Mafia and had to give me up...no luck there unfortunately. Or, that my adoption was something as glamorous as my mom being a Hollywood star who had a dreadful, yet equally passionate, love affair with Liam Neeson and had to give me up to avoid the gossip. As if, I have EVER been able to escape gossip in my life!

Nope, no glamour, no Mafia, no grandiose rumors of anything other than what was the truth. Just two young kids with too many kids, too much stress and way to much pressure...ah birth control for all you young ins out there wanting to have children before you stop being a child yourself. They had four kids by the age of 21 and recognized that they were struggling. Who wouldn't have wanted to give their kids a chance at a more stable life?

To the best of my knowledge, my bio dad hasn't shown much interest, well that is if 0% counts as a number, in having anything to do with me. I'm not sorry for this as he has moved on in his life and I do sincerely wish him the best. Rumor has it, he has other children now, and I sincerely hope that all is well with them.

My mom on the other hand...hmm. Hard to explain. Let me talk out loud for a bit. Do you think that babies bond to their mothers in the womb? Do you think that the connection could last 30+ (still not telling) years? Do you think that lifetimes of experiences and miles in between could lesson the bond? I don't think so. I'll tell you why.

For some unjustifiable reason, I love this women. I want her in my daily life. I need her to be proud of me. I need her to know the women I've become with my good and not-so-good habits. I want her to ask me about my life and in return let me know about hers. I want my husband to be her son-in-law, unlike Ursella from my first marriage...so not going there...and I want her to be a grandma to our daughter. I need her to tell me she loves me unconditionally, with out adding the "but" like so many others have done and still do.

I want to know her ins and outs, what makes her tick, what has she being doing all of these years? Has she been happy? Is she happy now? I'd like to know what she does with her time, at work and for leisure. I would like to learn about her beliefs and her habits and what she dreams about at night when she sleeps.

I do realize that I have a lot of "I" in this post, but come on...I wrote it! Maybe for today it is about me. Although funny thing about this story, there is another side. The other side is hers, the mom that was left behind.

I did get to meet her you know...twice in fact.

I was 16 at our initial introduction. I do remember feeling upset, mildly put, with her when I walked into the office to meet her for the first time in 13 years. She was sitting behind a desk and I remember looking into her face. It was the very second I saw her eyes look into mine, the connection was there, and ANY negative emotion I had had walking into the room vanished.

After that meeting we headed out to lunch and I was able to meet my two sisters. The ever-so-slightly older sister I knew I had. To say that she was beautiful would be a huge understatement. I also had the pleasure of meeting a new sister who was a little bit younger. I wish I could remember more about her, I do know that she was very cute and she seemed to be a little trouble maker, but in a good roll your eyes kind of way, not slap her upside the head kind of way. We had a good lunch. Brief but good. This led into a good moving in with them. Brief but good. Which led into a not so good departure. A departure I have always regretted.

After that meeting, years passed. As an adult I searched for them online. I imagined where their lives went, what they looked like and what they were doing. I had no luck in finding them. I have to admit I was probably relieved that I didn't find them because I don't think I could have handled the rejection I was so certain would happen. Little did I know that they, well one in particular, was looking for me.

Last February I received a call from a "family" member, no not THAT "family" we already covered that remember...looking for me. Scared and a little hesitant that this was a joke I took the call.

I remember where my husband was standing in the kitchen at the time. This is a huge issue for me because I honestly can't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning...or wait was it lunch I ate?

Anyways, in a what could only be described as a "caa" also know as "Boston" accent, a young lady on the other end of the phone explained to me who she was and why she was calling. I was floored. I had been praying for this for years and here was the opportunity smack in the middle of my Buckeye kitchen.

We talked for just a short while as I was on my way to Church. Yes, people do still go to Church on Wednesday nights...don't you?!, Yet, before we hung up we promised each other that we would talk again soon.

We talked again a few days later. This call lasting much longer than the other. I seem to remember burning out my cell phone battery before the call was over. I have the scars from the battery burn on my fingers but I know a few of you would dispute where they came from. You all probably think I just go on and on and on...getting back to the calls, from then on we talked every day or so. Simply sharing little bits of information on one another.

We've had some ups and downs along the way these past few months. Challenges from others to keep us apart, but nothing substantial enough for me to want to end these new relationships. If anything, it has made me want to work harder in getting to know them and truly becoming a family once again.

You know the funny thing is, I want to be just like them. No, not lifestyle or anything like that, not that there is anything wrong with their lifestyle. I just would like them to look at me and say "oh, that is so me", or "I do the exact same thing!". Have a personality you can relate to. All of you that know me, truly know me, can just imagine what that would be like!

Something funny about life is that it usually comes with skeletons and dark spooky ghosts in our closets. The question becomes do we judge others for their skeletons, or do we take another look into our closet and see our menacing ghosts and be reminded that no one is perfect. We've all made mistakes, we've all made sacrifices, some for our children, some for ourselves but we did and do what we do for the love of others.

I have no regrets in my adoption and I'll say it again, I've moved forward. Simple, easy, done...all of those wishing to hang on to the past need to find another family tree branch in which to hang on to...my tree is well rooted.

By the way...I love you Ma (ha, I said it last!)